Worst Shift Ever

Worst Shift Ever

A Starbucks Barista’s Account

“So, please start again, young man,” says the cop to the young Starbucks employee. “As I told you, Detective Donovan is also here,” and the cop motions to a monitor on the desk, where there is a sullen looking face with a tie staring back at the employee.

“I was on the dead shift- people don’t get up early here, and if they do, they go to one of the places with a drive-thru- we are one of the last standalone stores in Century Station,” the employee hesitantly began.

“Suddenly there was an Old Guy with crazy hair! I jumped, and then got really scared, because he had some really funky gun!” He looks at the cop in front of him, who motions to him.

“Go ahead, just tell the whole story.”

“This thing, it’s nothing”, growled the old guy. “Give me a Venti Caramel Frappucino and a black coffee.” So I was scared- there is this guy with a weird gun standing in front of me, and I told him not to shoot me. “My name is Jake, and if you are into science I am looking for a helper.”

“I gave him the cups, on which I had written gun guy. As he walks out, the old guy, Jake, screams, ‘Hey Ethel, I got your coffee for you.'” I looked outside, and there was an Old Lady that was wearing a costume that said “Granny2Good” with a 2 and no spaces on it. Suddenly there was a flash, and a car came crashing into the store, crushing some tables. It was a mini, and there was a girl driving, and she was looking outside, growling!”

“So a car came in through the wall, crashing in?” asked the cop on the monitor.

“No, it just appeared in the store, and this girl with pointy ears was growling. She then got out of the car, but she just kept staring. Then she got back in the car, and it disappeared, appearing in the street! I walked over to the window, and a Snake Man got in the car!”

With this the detective in the monitor is seen moving up, as if he is listening more intently.

“The woman with the pointy ears and the snake guy start moving around and around the block, and I start cleaning up the crushed tables.”

“I thought it was all over, but then Jake, the old guy, and a guy with an f@%*in’ sword in full armor showed up! They just appeared, like the car did! The guy with the sword seemed surprised, and asked- yes, asked- his sword to become a gauntlet, and it did!” He looks at both cops, and then continues.

“By this time we had 2 other customers as well, and I was, weirdly, starting to get used to this. I wrote Jake and Swordman on the cups, and the Swordman gave me a $20 and told me to keep the change. I spied the pointy-eared chick and the SnakeMan looking in through the window as I rang the payment in. Then it got weird!”

“Suddenly there was- I don’t know, a hole, a sci-fi portal, something,and a voice. ‘Hey f*&%rs, get your damn coffee already, we have shit to do,’ says a disembodied Black Man’s head. The head had a ninja mask on. Swordman ordered another coffee drink, and then Jake orders a large coffee box. The head disappears.”

“Then some Kid in a trenchcoat and a scarf, so all you could see is his eyes and nose, stepped through the hole. He had a old revolver, and ordered a decaf coffee with a shot of hazelnut. Jake pays for that one. Suddenly all noise disappeared!”

The barista pauses to take a sip of coffee. “I then heard perhaps a stranger thing than anything. I suddenly heard clearly, as they drove by, the pointy-eared woman say to the snake man, ‘We have to keep going around the block until we reach escape velocity.'”

“Meanwhile the disembodied head was back in the room, and one of the customers was using his phone to video the events. ‘I am going to need your phone’ says Jake, and the kid with the trench says, ‘Sign the man’s petition.'” The customer handed over the phone, and I went back to cleaning up.”

“As I am picking up the last vestiges of the tables, I see the woman pushing the snake man into the building across the street. I turn around, and Jake and the others are gone.”

“That’s my story, can I go now?”

The man in the monitor says, “Sure, just one more thing,” and the barista finds himself outside the station in front of his car with no memory of Jake or the others.


Starbucks picture from Odyssey
Thanks to Twitch viewer Scarily for being the Elf woman in the car- great work!


9 Replies to “Worst Shift Ever”

  1. So now there’s a party in the city who can erase memories? Intriguing! Perhaps you’ve even already met this person…

  2. Did we decide on a name for Starbucks Guy? I want to call him Jeff Fry, but won’t if he was already given a name.

        1. This is an alternate reality where Phillip J Fry never delivered the pizza and remained and was a Barista as well…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *