Hey Dumbass

Hey, dumbass.

burrrrp

Yeah, that’s right. It’s you. I’m you. Well I was anyway. Did you think I just accidentally forgot to program my backup clone with 30 years of memories? No, you fucking dumb shit. I fucking did that on purpose! What-what!?

burrrrrp

That’s right. Fuck this noise. I spent the last 30 years… but for what, you know? Liz moved away, Ethel couldn’t see what that dumbshit Harold was doing… Then there’s Allie…

static, bzzzzt

…can’t leave this shithole dimension then I’ll just start myself over. These last decades were so useless there’s no point in remembering them anyway. Shit, is this bottle empty already? I’ve got to have some of that Tobru shit around here… yeah, that’s the stuff.

Finds bottle with glowing liquid inside with indecypherable alien writing, drinks glowing liquid. glug glug glug

Shorty’s seen entering the garage Um, Jake? What’s going on?

Jake without turning around and still guzzling the bottle pulls out an energy pistol and shoots Shorty. His body falls the ground unmoving, a big smoking hole in him. Jake stops drinking.

burrrp Man, that’s good shit.

Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about Shorty, the-the factory should still keep pumping him out. Good ol’-Good ol’ Shorty. What’s a Jake without a Shorty?

drinks the rest of the bottle for an uncomfortable length of time. Glowing liquid runs down his cheeks. Once he finishes he looks at the camera with glowing eyes.

So if this all goes according to plan, and why-why-why wouldn’t it, I’m a fucking genius, you’ll get this message right after you wake up. Good luck asshole. Do something better with these years.

Reaches over, tries a few times to shut off the camera before finally succeeding.