Author: HippoTV

Mostly Dead

Mostly Dead

Haha those fools. Look at them all crying there. This scene was getting boring. So I needed to make an exit. I had snake person take all my equipment and my ship and hide it. I made an apparatus that would clone me while I was unconscious that way I would not know which of us was the original. Then I tricked the other me into drawing the short straw. He was the one who had to get the bombs implanted. I planted them inside his torso and made sure to minimize any pain. We put an injector inside and the plan was set. I went to test myself after this was done to see if I was the original. Then we inn-acted our plan. It went fantastically there were tear works, a funeral, and a statue. I watched from the distance. I already grabbed my favorite Shorty and he was waiting on the ship. Autumn took some convincing through a dart gun, but she will come around once she wakes on the other side of the galaxy. All I needed to do was grab my sister. I had Shorty, do one of his prank calls. He is pretty good at them. It drew her into the bedroom where I appeared. “Hey sis, are you ready to go?” That’s all it took. She followed me into the portal and we were on our way. Pawnchy, Snake Person, Shorty, Autumn, Ethel, and I would have the adventure we were meant to from the start. See you around suckers.

Horsin’ Around

Horsin’ Around

Things after the big clone fight settled down. I finally got back to doing what I like to do best. Hanging out with grandma and eating all her cookies! Life is good now. I got two of my favors done. I just have one more to find another superhero person to ask for more powers too. Should be a piece of cake! I am just gonna see if George knows someone. I think he should, or maybe the dealer would be interested in giving him some powers. I hear he was kind of a big deal. I mean his paintings are great and all, but I don’t know. Maybe its his likeable personality. Things are looking up it would seem, but I still haven’t heard from Walter. I sure miss him. I bet he’s off having lots of fun. Any how so Victor is in AA now. He told me not to tell anyone, but he says he wants to be a good spokesman. I just hope it doesn’t make him boring. I mean he did clear out the fridge. So there is that. I have a secret stash of wine in a box from Grandma. She said she probably couldn’t drink her closet full anyway before she died. So I took a few. Anyhow I’ve been taking up surfing. A shark tried to eat me, but he couldn’t bite me. He kinda just gnawed awkwardly for a bit. Then looked at me all weird like. I opened his mouth and pushed him away. I see him every now and then. He keeps trying, but I think lately he has given up. Someone said they were surprised shark attacks have been so low down here lately. I don’t know what they are talking about because like it was happening all the time to me. They gave up after a while, but yeah it was pretty often for like a month straight. So that’s my life, fun as ever. I still punch the occasional bad guy, but I guess the homeless people have been spreading my story of how I threw that can into the wall. So now people are afraid. Its kinda like that gum wall in Seattle, but its just a can in the wall in Florida. People take pictures and liken it to the other story of legend I learned about, the sword in the stone. I’ve really been into those lately ever since I learned of the fountain of youth. Victor said we could go search the Everglades next week so we will be doing that. Arcana did end up dying, but I guess I was just meant to protect her from the time travelers so I still won. Anyhow Grandma’s cookies are ready. Gotta go!
Bad Memory or Absent Minded? : Tales From a Bumbling Horse

Bad Memory or Absent Minded? : Tales From a Bumbling Horse

“Alright computer man. Is this thing on? When do I start.” Hank talks to the robotic disembodied voice. “It is recording sir. Please continue recalling the events as you see fit,” the robotic voice returns.  Hank does not stop on the recording. He continues at length discussing the reasoning for the recordings and how this is supposedly required for a future movie deal that could never occur. Finally, Hank starts back up.


So I was told I needed to go to this funeral for some lady’s brother. Victor made a big deal about this. I got all prepped to get out and make an appearance. When I arrived the pain was unbearable, so when I saw this guy drinking from a flask, I decided to ask him for a drink and he got weirded out and handed me the whole flask. I thanked him and headed towards a Victor glaring and giving me a hard time for my injuries. One of the heroes for the super team we were supposed to be joining showed up and offered me a lift. He had a hard time carrying me, but he tried so that counts I guess. Then robot guy Kai rose me up like Josh Groban said in his song. From here Victor and I could see the funeral session. There was this old lady and a bunch of the people walked up and talked with her. There was sword guy, army guy, and random kid with rifle in public areas kid. Everyone sat together. People were talking and reminiscing. Many people gave a speech. Even Victor did. I don’t think he knew the guy, because he never really talked about him before. Anyhow things finish up and the chief police guy talked with suit man and sword man. Apparently this group, Savior, is taking over being the main super group in town. The people standing around us got excited. Even Victor got excited. That’s when we broke off and headed to the wake at the old lady’s house.


When we arrived at the house everyone started talking about something, but I had to use the bathroom. So I went in. The old lady was shocked that I was the first to enter. We talked for a bit and then the group came in and talked to her. She talked with people and then got a phone call. She went to her room and a “green light” apparently and then she was gone. Sword guy talked about some possible reasons why and people nodded in agreement. I had no clue what we were talking about so I nodded to. That’s when people started to leave. I went with Victor to Tecate’s office and we got the shirts with Sword guy. We then went to the secret base. It’s under some fountain at a place with kids. Then people start talking a bit, I’m not sure if I really fit, but then they reassure me. Oh did I mention we got food? I can’t remember where it was, it was some diner with this lady who was down on her luck. I made sword guy eat breakfast with me and his teenage daughter. Then Victor got scared of the cats on her shirt. So he tried to get away, but we stopped him. Sorry so that was good. I ate a bunch. Oh and then I got to meet you too robot voice.


So then after that, we tried to decide what to do. We thought the diner lady needed a better way of living. Okay it was mostly me, but people started thinking about it. I wouldn’t mind some real powers. People think I have powers because they say I am strong, but if I can do it so easy, is that really a power?


So I went with the one that keeps changing into little girls and centaur people, and others to find out about getting powers from this doctor guy. There was also mention of a dealer. I guess we need to go to the casino after the doctors. Let’s see where this goes. How do you go to the bathroom? Do robots pee?



A Short Interview

A Short Interview

“Alright, I heard from your friends, but I am going to need to hear your side of the story.” The investigator sits back in his chair tired from a long day of interviews. He is somewhat relieved this one is just a teenager, but again he was the grandson.

“Oh gee, and I in trouble?” the young boy asked as he squirmed in the chair. The coldness of the room did not escape him.

“No, you are not, but if you fail to comply I will have to charge you with obstruction.” The bluff worked as the boy’s eyes widened. His tough demeanor faded quickly.

“So, your friend’s call you Shorty?” the agent continued.

“Yep,” Shorty replied.

“If you could, Shorty. Please start from just a few days before the attack.” The investigator sits there looking at the boy then at the glass mirror. No doubt Alpha Prime was behind there watching his technique or sleeping. Oh man, I hope she is not sleeping thought the investigator. He redoubled his efforts and grabbed a glass of water.

“The others came back from an investigatory trip into one of Jake’s plans to get people onto his side. I think tensions were high because after they re-appeared, people barely spoke to each other. Jake wasn’t himself either. He locked himself in his lab. He did not want to be disturbed. I know another one of him was over at the house. He had some paperwork he needed done so he got ‘Lawyer Jake’. Apparently, he’s not a scientist like all the other Jake’s but instead he chose to be a Lawyer and I believe they claim he is the best.” Shorty took a moment to breathe after spilling his guts.

The agent sat in silence to process the idea of other Jakes. He was still getting used to all this weird dimensional stuff.

“You said Jake was reclusive up till the day of the attack?” he inquired of the boy.

“Well not, reclusive. He was busy working on protective harnesses for a secret weapon and the protection of those in SAVIOR.” Shorty replied.

“I assume they worked?” the agent inquired.

“They did, but it was complicated.” The boy replied.

“Well, that sounds like a long story and I need to get some coffee if we are going to get into this.” The agent collects his coat and continues, “Want anything from the vending machine?”

Short Hand Dictation

Short Hand Dictation

Apparently, I’m supposed to write my thoughts and experiences down for a potential keepsake or book deal that Ethel thinks will happen after this hero business takes off. So I am orally dictating this to my intelligent and amazing grandson, Shorty, because I am lazy and dumb and I don’t proof read things so I won’t know what he is writing because he is the best and is trustworthy and is getting great grades.Anyhow, so we arrived back from Antarctica, and…. Are you writing this down? You are not going to get that gold star if you do not write every damn word I say.Okay now, where were we. Oh yeah, so Snake Person, Pawnchy and I were out the rest of the weekend with a contest of sorts. I went and save myself in another dimension, but lets not get into that.

This better be written without grammtical errors if they are gonna believe its me. So run this thru word or something after okay?

So Ethel made a bunch of money. Your other you I guess got a bunch. No you don’t get any money for this so stop asking. This is your normal duties. So I gave her a gift in her living room. You should ask your twin about it. Oh he told you? Yes its a smaller version of the one in the living room. Are you writing our conversation right now down? No just the story, not this. Ok so stop writing our current conversation. Yes you can have some of the bagel bites you left in the freezer after you are done. No, they are not the ones from space, they are just the earth ones. I am not going to make a trip just for bagel bites. Eat those or you can get your own with your own money. Hurry up, I don’t want to have to keep doing this. Let’s speed this stupid story up so we can stop wasting time with this dumb villain and get on to something better like finishing the repairs like you said you would help me do.


So the stupid Papa Zombie.


The day started out with people at that sword guy’s place. The one with the robot I modified, yes the arch nemesis to Megatron. So I am sitting there minding my own business as they bicker about their adventures over the weekend, when news pops on the TV about the return of the liberty bell. Ethel asks me about it and before I can get into sharing details she cuts me off. I guess they don’t really care about the work it took. Who won? Well it wasn’t the other me with that stupid nickname. I left his bell at the bar. I can’t believe he started liking that nickname after a while. Oh well. I guess when people want to try to attack you all day every day your mind gets dull and you accept stupid tags. So back to this story so we can be done. I get cut off they talk about different going ons and then Ethel goes to work. So I decide I better go. I guess a few stayed behind or something. I heard Black Phantom mind fucked the sentaur guy. Make sure you spell that right. C-E-N-T-A-U-R. I see you trying to scribble the other word out. Just keep going and you can take care of it later. So apparently they are intimate and are spending lots of time together in each other’s minds. Who am I to judge this what century? No really what is it? Oh ok. Sometimes I forget what year it is still. The whole dying and coming back at a different time keeps messing me up. So the two lovers do their thing and we eventually meet up at Spirit Enterprises. Ethel drives me because I was focused on a gadget I am working on. Yes I will show you it, but you cant share it with anyone yet. Put the notepad down and step back.


So that is what that does. So the chief of police woman had me distracted I thought she was the secretary. She seemed to know me, but I was busy in thought. Next we met and talked about this Papa Zombie guy. Yes, we will get to what the news said about that later. So we discuss different options. I say my few thoughts on the matter and sword guy gets all upset. He says something about innocents and how I have no respect for life. Apparently he forgot how he went all ISIS on some of those fools in Antarctica, getting ready to slit their throats. So I let him say his peace. We get done and discuss the logistics of the group. It takes forever, just like every damn morning at sword guy’s. So we make our way to the crime scene. As we arrive we are debriefed by the police. Apparently the black phantom guy, which I still don’t know why he has that name. Its not like he turns into a ghost. They should call him Mind Bullet or something. At least that would be more accurate to what he can do. Or take out the phantom part of his name. So he sees some lion man about to be killed by Papa Zombie down the street. So everyone flies off except for C-E-N-T-A-U-R man who is now Beast from X-Men or whatever. He I guess went down the street and snuck off on his own. What was I doing? I was observing, but I was also hanging back letting this group figure out their identity. So they did, kinda till that thing happened. Is that good for now? I need your help real quick. Put the paper down. No stop writing what I am saying and hel~~~~~


From the Shadows

From the Shadows

“He was wrapping up his work when I walked in on him from the shadows.” Snake Person continued. “He was under attack by several armed assailants.”

The officer interupts, “Those were the Tyche forces you mentioned earlier?”

Snake person nods. “Please continue,” he says as he grabs at his coffee. This was going to be a long night he thought to himself.

As I approached I stated, “Friend Jake, you have drawn a lot of attention to your self.”

“And what was it he said he was working on again?” the officer asked.

“His Portal device.” Snake Person returned.

“He then inquired if I would like to take post at the turrets like ‘old times’. I replied that I would and proceeded to miss every person I targeted. It would appear my skills did not keep up with me.”

The officer leaned back in his chair. “And this is when Jake’s friends arrived?”

Snake Person replied without hesitation, “This is when Ethel’s friends arrived to assist her with Jake.” He pauses and then replies, “It appears they underestimate him. They seemed very concerned about a common street thug previously from what I gathered later.”

The officer interrupts, “This is where Fat Lucca comes in?”

“No that was later. Right now the friends of Ethel come in and start fighting the Tyche troops. That was when the one self-declared as the beast damaged Jake’s property.”

The officer jots down notes.

“After a few moments the one known as Alpha Prime arrived. I believe Jake did not remember his past relation to her or so he acted. She seemed caught off guard and offended. At this time the friends of Ethel and Alpha Prime wrangled the remaining Tyche troups. That was when the alarms went off.”

“What alarms?” the officer perked up almost spilling his coffee.

“Someone very important to Jake reappeared in his life,” Snake Person said with a smirk.

“I have a feeling you aren’t going to divulge who that is?” asked the officer.

“Your assumption is correct. However, no one realized the importance save Jake and myself. Not even Alpha Prime.”

Snake person reached for his water and lapped at it with his forked tongue gingerly before putting it down.

“Alpha Prime demanded Jake surrender himself to her, but Ethel and the others got in her way. She back down and left. This was followed by a deep and long conversation about family history that led inside. The one known as the beast gave away more private information to the public. It appears that the group of friend’s of Ethel may have a saboteur in their midst. He and the earth militant discovered that the houses were a front. Jake and I had a running bet on how long it would take them to find this out. It turns out I was correct as he underestimated them by at least another six months.” Snake person smiled with pride having bested Jake once more in only a handful of attempts. “At their worry the flying swordsman flew off to an appointment and Jake took the remaining people into his closed garage. It was here his ship was discovered and the saboteur took more pictures to spread around the web. At this point with all of these pictures and panic Jake initiated Project Howl and relocated his house. This is why you were unable to find any traces of his wear about until he resurfaced. It was here that they discussed plans on what do. It seems like the young lass grew fond of him. She reminds me of Mara when she was that age. The rest of what was discussed, I cannot divulge. However, Jake and Ethel had a long talk and there was much watching of dimensional television.”

The officer perks up again at this mention of dimensional television. Visions of his dull apartment filled his mind stopping at the basic cable package he has. “If someone were to attempt to set up this dimensional television, what would they need to do?”

Snake Person

Snake Person

“Alright, Mister,” the officer pauses for a second as he looks across the table at the reptilian being in front of him, “Snake Person.” He double checks his file in front of him as the name leaves his mouth to make sure this is not some prank from a senior officer. He continues, “I want to remind you that you are not being charged on any accounts at this time, but we would like to know the correct order of events from the top.” Snake Person sits there pondering for a moment. He speaks in a well pronounced way. “The human from earth known as Jake is my friend. I will only provide factual non-incriminating recollection of the events that took place.” His human face surrounded by a cobra’s hood. The rest of his body is human save some scaly areas. The officer acknowledges this. “Yes, understood. Please start from the top. On the first night you stated you came upon a level 4 temporal anomaly?” Snake person nods and begins to discuss the arrival that night to Jake’s home. “What did Jake say caused it?” the officer interrupts. “His portal device.” Snake Person replies. His face continues to remain emotionless. The interview continues.

Hey Dumbass

Hey Dumbass

Hey, dumbass.


Yeah, that’s right. It’s you. I’m you. Well I was anyway. Did you think I just accidentally forgot to program my backup clone with 30 years of memories? No, you fucking dumb shit. I fucking did that on purpose! What-what!?


That’s right. Fuck this noise. I spent the last 30 years… but for what, you know? Liz moved away, Ethel couldn’t see what that dumbshit Harold was doing… Then there’s Allie…

static, bzzzzt

…can’t leave this shithole dimension then I’ll just start myself over. These last decades were so useless there’s no point in remembering them anyway. Shit, is this bottle empty already? I’ve got to have some of that Tobru shit around here… yeah, that’s the stuff.

Finds bottle with glowing liquid inside with indecypherable alien writing, drinks glowing liquid. glug glug glug

Shorty’s seen entering the garage Um, Jake? What’s going on?

Jake without turning around and still guzzling the bottle pulls out an energy pistol and shoots Shorty. His body falls the ground unmoving, a big smoking hole in him. Jake stops drinking.

burrrp Man, that’s good shit.

Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about Shorty, the-the factory should still keep pumping him out. Good ol’-Good ol’ Shorty. What’s a Jake without a Shorty?

drinks the rest of the bottle for an uncomfortable length of time. Glowing liquid runs down his cheeks. Once he finishes he looks at the camera with glowing eyes.

So if this all goes according to plan, and why-why-why wouldn’t it, I’m a fucking genius, you’ll get this message right after you wake up. Good luck asshole. Do something better with these years.

Reaches over, tries a few times to shut off the camera before finally succeeding.