Haha those fools. Look at them all crying there. This scene was getting boring. So I needed to make an exit. I had snake person take all my equipment and my ship and hide it. I made an apparatus that would clone me while I was unconscious that way I would not know which of us was the original. Then I tricked the other me into drawing the short straw. He was the one who had to get the bombs implanted. I planted them inside his torso and made sure to minimize any pain. We put an injector inside and the plan was set. I went to test myself after this was done to see if I was the original. Then we inn-acted our plan. It went fantastically there were tear works, a funeral, and a statue. I watched from the distance. I already grabbed my favorite Shorty and he was waiting on the ship. Autumn took some convincing through a dart gun, but she will come around once she wakes on the other side of the galaxy. All I needed to do was grab my sister. I had Shorty, do one of his prank calls. He is pretty good at them. It drew her into the bedroom where I appeared. “Hey sis, are you ready to go?” That’s all it took. She followed me into the portal and we were on our way. Pawnchy, Snake Person, Shorty, Autumn, Ethel, and I would have the adventure we were meant to from the start. See you around suckers.

“Alright, I heard from your friends, but I am going to need to hear your side of the story.” The investigator sits back in his chair tired from a long day of interviews. He is somewhat relieved this one is just a teenager, but again he was the grandson.

“Oh gee, and I in trouble?” the young boy asked as he squirmed in the chair. The coldness of the room did not escape him.

“No, you are not, but if you fail to comply I will have to charge you with obstruction.” The bluff worked as the boy’s eyes widened. His tough demeanor faded quickly.

“So, your friend’s call you Shorty?” the agent continued.

“Yep,” Shorty replied.

“If you could, Shorty. Please start from just a few days before the attack.” The investigator sits there looking at the boy then at the glass mirror. No doubt Alpha Prime was behind there watching his technique or sleeping. Oh man, I hope she is not sleeping thought the investigator. He redoubled his efforts and grabbed a glass of water.

“The others came back from an investigatory trip into one of Jake’s plans to get people onto his side. I think tensions were high because after they re-appeared, people barely spoke to each other. Jake wasn’t himself either. He locked himself in his lab. He did not want to be disturbed. I know another one of him was over at the house. He had some paperwork he needed done so he got ‘Lawyer Jake’. Apparently, he’s not a scientist like all the other Jake’s but instead he chose to be a Lawyer and I believe they claim he is the best.” Shorty took a moment to breathe after spilling his guts.

The agent sat in silence to process the idea of other Jakes. He was still getting used to all this weird dimensional stuff.

“You said Jake was reclusive up till the day of the attack?” he inquired of the boy.

“Well not, reclusive. He was busy working on protective harnesses for a secret weapon and the protection of those in SAVIOR.” Shorty replied.

“I assume they worked?” the agent inquired.

“They did, but it was complicated.” The boy replied.

“Well, that sounds like a long story and I need to get some coffee if we are going to get into this.” The agent collects his coat and continues, “Want anything from the vending machine?”

This better be written without grammtical errors if they are gonna believe its me. So run this thru word or something after okay?

So Ethel made a bunch of money. Your other you I guess got a bunch. No you don’t get any money for this so stop asking. This is your normal duties. So I gave her a gift in her living room. You should ask your twin about it. Oh he told you? Yes its a smaller version of the one in the living room. Are you writing our conversation right now down? No just the story, not this. Ok so stop writing our current conversation. Yes you can have some of the bagel bites you left in the freezer after you are done. No, they are not the ones from space, they are just the earth ones. I am not going to make a trip just for bagel bites. Eat those or you can get your own with your own money. Hurry up, I don’t want to have to keep doing this. Let’s speed this stupid story up so we can stop wasting time with this dumb villain and get on to something better like finishing the repairs like you said you would help me do.

So the stupid Papa Zombie.

The day started out with people at that sword guy’s place. The one with the robot I modified, yes the arch nemesis to Megatron. So I am sitting there minding my own business as they bicker about their adventures over the weekend, when news pops on the TV about the return of the liberty bell. Ethel asks me about it and before I can get into sharing details she cuts me off. I guess they don’t really care about the work it took. Who won? Well it wasn’t the other me with that stupid nickname. I left his bell at the bar. I can’t believe he started liking that nickname after a while. Oh well. I guess when people want to try to attack you all day every day your mind gets dull and you accept stupid tags. So back to this story so we can be done. I get cut off they talk about different going ons and then Ethel goes to work. So I decide I better go. I guess a few stayed behind or something. I heard Black Phantom mind fucked the sentaur guy. Make sure you spell that right. C-E-N-T-A-U-R. I see you trying to scribble the other word out. Just keep going and you can take care of it later. So apparently they are intimate and are spending lots of time together in each other’s minds. Who am I to judge this what century? No really what is it? Oh ok. Sometimes I forget what year it is still. The whole dying and coming back at a different time keeps messing me up. So the two lovers do their thing and we eventually meet up at Spirit Enterprises. Ethel drives me because I was focused on a gadget I am working on. Yes I will show you it, but you cant share it with anyone yet. Put the notepad down and step back.

So that is what that does. So the chief of police woman had me distracted I thought she was the secretary. She seemed to know me, but I was busy in thought. Next we met and talked about this Papa Zombie guy. Yes, we will get to what the news said about that later. So we discuss different options. I say my few thoughts on the matter and sword guy gets all upset. He says something about innocents and how I have no respect for life. Apparently he forgot how he went all ISIS on some of those fools in Antarctica, getting ready to slit their throats. So I let him say his peace. We get done and discuss the logistics of the group. It takes forever, just like every damn morning at sword guy’s. So we make our way to the crime scene. As we arrive we are debriefed by the police. Apparently the black phantom guy, which I still don’t know why he has that name. Its not like he turns into a ghost. They should call him Mind Bullet or something. At least that would be more accurate to what he can do. Or take out the phantom part of his name. So he sees some lion man about to be killed by Papa Zombie down the street. So everyone flies off except for C-E-N-T-A-U-R man who is now Beast from X-Men or whatever. He I guess went down the street and snuck off on his own. What was I doing? I was observing, but I was also hanging back letting this group figure out their identity. So they did, kinda till that thing happened. Is that good for now? I need your help real quick. Put the paper down. No stop writing what I am saying and hel~~~~~

“He was wrapping up his work when I walked in on him from the shadows.” Snake Person continued. “He was under attack by several armed assailants.”

The officer interupts, “Those were the Tyche forces you mentioned earlier?”

Snake person nods. “Please continue,” he says as he grabs at his coffee. This was going to be a long night he thought to himself.

As I approached I stated, “Friend Jake, you have drawn a lot of attention to your self.”

“And what was it he said he was working on again?” the officer asked.

“His Portal device.” Snake Person returned.

“He then inquired if I would like to take post at the turrets like ‘old times’. I replied that I would and proceeded to miss every person I targeted. It would appear my skills did not keep up with me.”

The officer leaned back in his chair. “And this is when Jake’s friends arrived?”

Snake Person replied without hesitation, “This is when Ethel’s friends arrived to assist her with Jake.” He pauses and then replies, “It appears they underestimate him. They seemed very concerned about a common street thug previously from what I gathered later.”

The officer interrupts, “This is where Fat Lucca comes in?”

“No that was later. Right now the friends of Ethel come in and start fighting the Tyche troops. That was when the one self-declared as the beast damaged Jake’s property.”

The officer jots down notes.

“After a few moments the one known as Alpha Prime arrived. I believe Jake did not remember his past relation to her or so he acted. She seemed caught off guard and offended. At this time the friends of Ethel and Alpha Prime wrangled the remaining Tyche troups. That was when the alarms went off.”

“What alarms?” the officer perked up almost spilling his coffee.

“Someone very important to Jake reappeared in his life,” Snake Person said with a smirk.

“I have a feeling you aren’t going to divulge who that is?” asked the officer.

“Your assumption is correct. However, no one realized the importance save Jake and myself. Not even Alpha Prime.”

Snake person reached for his water and lapped at it with his forked tongue gingerly before putting it down.

“Alpha Prime demanded Jake surrender himself to her, but Ethel and the others got in her way. She back down and left. This was followed by a deep and long conversation about family history that led inside. The one known as the beast gave away more private information to the public. It appears that the group of friend’s of Ethel may have a saboteur in their midst. He and the earth militant discovered that the houses were a front. Jake and I had a running bet on how long it would take them to find this out. It turns out I was correct as he underestimated them by at least another six months.” Snake person smiled with pride having bested Jake once more in only a handful of attempts. “At their worry the flying swordsman flew off to an appointment and Jake took the remaining people into his closed garage. It was here his ship was discovered and the saboteur took more pictures to spread around the web. At this point with all of these pictures and panic Jake initiated Project Howl and relocated his house. This is why you were unable to find any traces of his wear about until he resurfaced. It was here that they discussed plans on what do. It seems like the young lass grew fond of him. She reminds me of Mara when she was that age. The rest of what was discussed, I cannot divulge. However, Jake and Ethel had a long talk and there was much watching of dimensional television.”

The officer perks up again at this mention of dimensional television. Visions of his dull apartment filled his mind stopping at the basic cable package he has. “If someone were to attempt to set up this dimensional television, what would they need to do?”

“Alright, Mister,” the officer pauses for a second as he looks across the table at the reptilian being in front of him, “Snake Person.” He double checks his file in front of him as the name leaves his mouth to make sure this is not some prank from a senior officer. He continues, “I want to remind you that you are not being charged on any accounts at this time, but we would like to know the correct order of events from the top.” Snake Person sits there pondering for a moment. He speaks in a well pronounced way. “The human from earth known as Jake is my friend. I will only provide factual non-incriminating recollection of the events that took place.” His human face surrounded by a cobra’s hood. The rest of his body is human save some scaly areas. The officer acknowledges this. “Yes, understood. Please start from the top. On the first night you stated you came upon a level 4 temporal anomaly?” Snake person nods and begins to discuss the arrival that night to Jake’s home. “What did Jake say caused it?” the officer interrupts. “His portal device.” Snake Person replies. His face continues to remain emotionless. The interview continues.

Hey, dumbass.

burrrrp

Yeah, that’s right. It’s you. I’m you. Well I was anyway. Did you think I just accidentally forgot to program my backup clone with 30 years of memories? No, you fucking dumb shit. I fucking did that on purpose! What-what!?

burrrrrp

That’s right. Fuck this noise. I spent the last 30 years… but for what, you know? Liz moved away, Ethel couldn’t see what that dumbshit Harold was doing… Then there’s Allie…

static, bzzzzt

…can’t leave this shithole dimension then I’ll just start myself over. These last decades were so useless there’s no point in remembering them anyway. Shit, is this bottle empty already? I’ve got to have some of that Tobru shit around here… yeah, that’s the stuff.

Finds bottle with glowing liquid inside with indecypherable alien writing, drinks glowing liquid. glug glug glug

Shorty’s seen entering the garage Um, Jake? What’s going on?

Jake without turning around and still guzzling the bottle pulls out an energy pistol and shoots Shorty. His body falls the ground unmoving, a big smoking hole in him. Jake stops drinking.

burrrp Man, that’s good shit.

Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about Shorty, the-the factory should still keep pumping him out. Good ol’-Good ol’ Shorty. What’s a Jake without a Shorty?

drinks the rest of the bottle for an uncomfortable length of time. Glowing liquid runs down his cheeks. Once he finishes he looks at the camera with glowing eyes.

So if this all goes according to plan, and why-why-why wouldn’t it, I’m a fucking genius, you’ll get this message right after you wake up. Good luck asshole. Do something better with these years.

Reaches over, tries a few times to shut off the camera before finally succeeding.